Orochimaru is a child molester!
by Panda Luver 4 Life
Summary: Crack fic. Song fic. Gaara is out on a stroll on night when he walks into Orochimaru and Kabuto singing a weird song. Read and Review please. Also light mentions of Sasunaru if you squint and really look. Way OOC and rating put there for certain reasons


**Yuki: Okay we were listening to this song and this idea popped into our heads, right sam?**

**Sam: man, this is so fucked up**

**Yuki: yeah. but its funny and thanks to your comment that I'm writing this. **

**Warning: Crack, OOCness, orochimaru singing...enough said...pedophilic things...er...yeah**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I do own this plot. Adam and Andrew own the song.**

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Gaara whistled as he walked down the deserted road. It wasa silent, peaceful night. A night for some good murdering. Yep.

He walked around the corner only to come face to face with Orochimaru. He slowly backed away as Micheal Jackso- I mean Orochimaru, took out a mircophone and music started playing in the background.

Gaara looked around, trying to find the source of music yet failed. Just then Kabuto popped out and started to sing.

"We are watching cartoons. Your mom won't be home to soon. What's left for Orochimaru-sama to do? But strip down and play doctor with you." He pointed to Gaara who raised a nonexsistent eyebrow. Orochimaru shoved Kabuto out of the way and started singing himself.

"And I know that it's a sin, but I just can't help myself!" Orochimaru hugged himself as he continued to sing. "I know that you're only ten. But you look like you're twelve!"

Gaara backed up another step, tripping over the convientently placed boombox. '_What the fuck?! I'm 17! Hello!'_

"If you want looooooove, we'll make it. You say it's against the law...We'll break it. You're to young for it to feel good but you can fake it, and I'll buy you an icecream cone!" Orochimaru tossed a tub of icecream onto his chest. Then he pulled out some lollipops.

"I want to play some Candyland with you. Want to draw you a bath and get in it too! I want to play some Candyland!!"

Gaara's sand was steadily rising to form a sheild or prepare for an attack. Which ever is needed first. He looked to Kabuto and saw for the first time that he had a pacifier in his mouth and was wearing a giant, adult-sized poop poo diaper. Gaara slowly stood up and took another step back from the pychotic pair in front of him.

"I'll pick you up from school, put glitter in your hair. Piggy back rides into the pool with pooh bear on your underwear!"

Gaara raised two nonexsistent eyebrows and took another step back. Did Sasuke actually once think of living and training with this guy?! It's a good thing Naruto found him before he left or Sasuke would've been in some deep shit. '_Glitter? Pooh bear underwear?! Seriously, what. the. fuck!'_

"You can give me your shoe and I'll show you how to tie it. Your mom will never tuck you in without me hiding in your closet."

First thing Gaara was going to do when he got home was pray to his mother he hated for bringing him into this fucked up world and making him listen and watch this torture and then set his room and closet with boobie traps. After checking every closet in the house of course.

"If you want love-" Orochimaru blew a kiss, " we'll make it. You say it's against the law, we'll break it." Kabuto pulled out a bazooka.(A/N: Bazooka; bazooka, zooka, bubblegum. Okay. That was a weird thought. I'm good now.) " You're to young for it to feel good; but you can fake it, and if you do a good job..."

Gaara was seriousy fucking scared now. This was just to weird and too pediophilic for his liking. He took a few more steps back, wary of his surrondings and keeping at least twelve feet between him the two insane sound nins singing about child molesting and closets and some board game called Candyland.

"I'll take you out to Disneyland; it's true. I'll play with all your toys if you play with mine too." Orochimaru winked at him. Gaara swore he felt a chill go down his spine. That sounded to much like a promise. He would go home and also burn everything in his house except for his weaponry. And his teddy. Teddy had no right to be burned. You know what. He was going to just dissapear somewhere far way. Like Hidden Cloud village. Yeah that sounded good. Very good. Just anywhere away from these two wackos and Sound village.

"I'll take you out to Diiisneeey LaaaaaAAAaaaand!!" Gaara winced. That was horrific to any being. It was a tragedy towrd all sound waves in the world.

"Damn baby. You mother hates meh." Orochimaru leaned his head on Kabuto's shoulders and tried. Key word being _tried_, to give his assistant the infamous uke puppy dog eyes. Gaara swore he tassted bil at the back of his throat.

"But we can make her a necklace with string and macaroni. We can go to a room and ride my little pony" Orochimaru thrusted his hips outward.

Gaara blanched and began walking back wards again, stopping as the duo took three steps forward; only to stop when he did.

"Hey baby what would you like to do?" Orochimaru asked, looking at Kabuto who was making baby noises.

Kabuto stared at him and answered. "I wants ta finger pwaint."

"Yeah, you can't finger paint all ova my bodeh."

"Gooauhdh want to try popsicle."

"You'd like licking me like a cherry popsicle wouldn't cha?"

"oioiii you're my cuppy cake...gummy droppy, smuaiubfi, your my, gooouighsoguuo" Kabuto laughed.

Gaara's eye twitched. _'I swear to the confines of the darkest, deepest, dirtiest part of hell, if the say one more wo-'_

"I want to play some Candyland with you. I want to draw you a bath and get in it too. Oh, though I'm churning all the time, I'll still be true. I jst want to play some candyland!" Orochimaru sang. Kabuto smiled and got ready for the ending. Neither noticed the sand missles being formed behind Gaara, or the Gian wall of Sand behind them.

"Here come the Da's! Da da da, da da da, da. Da da da, da, da, da, da. Da da da, da da da, da. Da da, da, da, da, da." Orochimaru trailed off, laughing maniacally as Kabuto added Da's in random places. They both died a slow, torture-filled, painfully, itchingly, sandy death. That was happily administered by Gaara.

**_THE END__

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Yuki: I swear to whatever, I almost died writing this!

Sam: thats one fucked up song and story! and it takes alot for me to say something is fucked up so you know its bad

Yuki: Lol. So please read and leave any flames or comments. I'll glady enjoy reading what you thought about this! 


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